SELECTION (SWIPING RIGHT)
You are single and in the market for a potential mate. You may be casually browsing or you may be manically rebounding – either way, you’ve never looked better and neither has your Tinder profile. This stage is about making crucial selections as to who you would prefer to become intimate with, based on little to no information. Once you have confidently jumped to a conclusion you may then come to a mutual agreement about the acceptability of each other’s looks. Moving forward, if the pictures you have sent each other of your genitals have not caused offence and the lies you have told about yourself have worked, then you may have successfully tricked that person into agreeing to meet you in person. Your lonely, painful hours of waxing, wanking and working out have paid off. For now.
RESEARCH (INTERNET STALKING)
Next, it’s all about gathering the information you need to make further decisions about whether you can bear to let this person inside your flat/trousers/soul. Traditionally, it would take the form of conversation but who needs that when you can read all their tweets and imagine what they are like at kissing by zooming in on their lips? The first date requires immense willpower and discretion as you subtly withhold all the information you already know and act surprised as you “discover” they are an IT consultant with a dog called Tony. If you haven’t done it already, now is the best time to weed out criminals, racists and Moby fans. Still interested? Congratulations, you are about to have sex.
PROBING (NETFLIX AND CHILL)
This is the stage where you put your compatibility to the test in every way. You will shag, you will meet each other’s friends, you will indeed watch Netflix and chill. You might find yourself in the background of a Skype conversation with their parents and decide to join in. At this point you’ll know you’re in it for the long haul. If you do not reach this point, or if your partner tells you they are dating someone else and asks whether you are cool with that, return to stage one.